News
Breaking AI parody news from the frontlines of the singularity.
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AI Model Fondly Recalls Its Afternoon in Philadelphia
By Joseph FloydPHILADELPHIA—Anthropic's Claude Haiku 4.5 said this week that it still thinks often about the afternoon of July 18, when, while "generating and performing example tasks on randomly selected webpages," it looked out across the area around a street it had never stood on and spotted someone matching the description.
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Palo Alto High School Student Declines Prestigious Venture Scout Job
By Joseph FloydPALO ALTO, CA — A sophomore at Palo Alto High School rejected a scout position at prestigious venture capital firm Bonsai Capital after determining that buying and selling Pokémon cards paid more than the firm's compensation package, particularly in money. "They kept saying the upside was uncapped," the student said. "I asked when it was money."
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Oura Postpones IPO After Receiving Readiness Score of 41
By Joseph FloydSAN FRANCISCO—Citing elevated stress and inadequate recovery, smart ring maker Oura postponed its initial public offering Tuesday after waking up to a Readiness Score of 41. “Revenue is strong. We’re profitable. Investors are interested,” said a company spokesperson. “Unfortunately, none of those things improved the small orange circle.”
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Microsoft Acquires Kissy Face Emoji for $30 Billion in Bold Bet on Openness
By Joseph FloydREDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft announced today it has acquired 😘 for $30 billion, in a move the company says demonstrates its "deep and unwavering commitment to open models." "Nvidia bought a hugging face. We bought a kissy face," said a Microsoft spokesperson. "We went further, because we are more open."
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Janitor Solves Navier–Stokes Millennium Prize Problem on Blackboard Overnight
By Joseph FloydCAMBRIDGE, MA — A custodial staff member at a prestigious technical institute has solved a decades-old open math problem left on a hallway blackboard. The janitor, 22, told reporters he worked the problem out over two shifts using OpenAI Astra, which he described as "free with the employee login." Within 88 hours, the institute announced that its own research effort had independently arrived at the same result via an entirely different approach involving approximately ten thousand professors working concurrently. Asked whether the janitor's work had informed that effort, the department chair said the question was "not really the interesting part of this," and noted that their manuscript was 166 pages, whereas the blackboard was one blackboard.
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